Love, Hate, Love Relationship

     It is St. Valentine's day and you would think this title is for an article discussing something applicable to this day... nope!  I have had this mulling around in my noggin for awhile and just wanted to get it out soon. Then I saw the irony of the title and thought, "now is perfect".

   Before I begin you have to know a bit about my background for this to make sense. I wasn't raised very religious. As a child my family practiced the Mormon faith in an on-again, off-again process. Once I left home, I left that faith as it was a social outlet for me, not a conviction of belief. I, then, embraced the world and it's values. It was a vacant and hollow time of my life where I sought worldly things and activities to fill the hole that only God could fill. I married into a Presbyterian family and had my first child. We attended services three times a year, Christmas, Easter, and the day of the bagpipes. (I liked how they sounded in the back of the hall playing Amazing Grace). On my first child's birthday his grandmother (my mother-in-law) died un-expectantly. It was a real slap to my soul, a realization that life is short and death happens to those I love. I started attending weekly and became very active in the church. It never changed my husband's attendance nor his lifestyle. After a few years, I became very interested in the Catholic church and started RCIA. My marriage was not going well and he became very upset about it. As I was trying to save my marriage, I stopped going to  RCIA.  I went back to attending his parent's church. A few years and another child later, we ended up divorced. The desire to become a Catholic had never went away. I began RCIA, again.

     (LOVE) During RCIA, I learned about confession what it really meant. Then I was taught the correct interpretation of  2 Corinthians 5:18 But all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Christ; and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation.  As the teachings progressed and Lent approached that first year, I was so nervous about going to confession but so excited about confessing and releasing my past. Finally hear those words that I had been forgiven. The idea of  renewing the cleanliness of my baptism was so intriguing as I had been baptized too young to really understand my role in my sin and Jesus's role in my cleansing. As I reviewed my past, I created a list of my sins, some very egregious.  I was comforted in the fact that I wasn't Catholic before and that the priest has probably heard so many like mine, it wouldn't be a big deal. 

     The day finally came, I was so nervous. I walked in with my list of sins and my cheat sheet of prayers. I was ready! .... Well, except for the fact I was bawling the whole time. Praise God for prepared priests who had a box of tissues in the confessional. The confession went about as I expected until the absolution. I cannot describe the feeling as the words of absolution left the priest's mouth. The scripture from John 20:23 "Whose sins you shall forgive, they are forgiven them; and whose sins you shall retain, they are retained." ; took on a whole new meaning. It was like being in a cave with no light and suddenly it was filled with pure light. A light so bright that it purified what it touched down to the molecular level. I understood then why we needed to confess our sins to another and why it needed to be a person consecrated to be the acting hands of Jesus Christ. It was beyond anything I expected, yet it was everything I thought it would be. I LOVED the sacrament of confession, who wouldn't?!  Why wasn't the churches full of lines of people going to confession? I just didn't get it. 

     (HATE) Fifteen years later, I now understand why you don't see lines of people waiting to enter the confessional. It isn't the act of confession that I hate, NO, I still LOVE confession. It is the fact that I am embarrassed to enter the confessional,... yet again for the same sin that I cannot quite conquer. Or for a sin that I haven't committed since I converted 15 years ago but all of a sudden I did it again. Ugh! Or problem with my husband or with intimacy... I mean this 'man' is celibate, how embarrassing! How about child raising and all the different things I have done wrong there. Sigh, it never seems to end.

     The devil knows my Achilles tendon in this area. He knows how to whisper in my ear; 

• about how stupid I am, how this 'man' will hear my sins and think less of me;
• how I want to show that I am a great catholic mother and wife but the priest will see I am not.
• Or the devil's other attack, "Why bother?... God/Jesus knows your sins, He knows you have asked forgiveness, that is enough." 
• Or yet another facet, the priests are too busy. They really don't think confession is that important or there would be more convenient times and places offered. 
• You are too busy, it isn't so important that you should change your entire routine to make that inconvenient time to go to confession. 
• Never mind the cost of the fuel to drive to the church. 
• Better yet, the logical arguments that the devil gives me; I don't really need this sacrament, as he grasps at scripture or doctrine that 'proves' I don't need to go to confession. 

     There are more ways then I can even understand that he undermines my souls desire for confession. 

     (LOVE) Finally overcoming it all, swallowing my pride and going to confession. There are no words. Love says it all! 

     I wonder why I always seem to go through this same cycle. Maybe someday, I will advance spiritually beyond this point, maybe not. It is was it is, it is where I am at now. I will embrace this path, knowing that I will end up in Christ's arms, in His forgiveness with the gift of His peace. 

     Thank you, Lord for the sacrament of confession. Thank you Lord for my littleness, so that I may learn that I am a weak person who can only become strong by Your grace. And that I can only receive Your grace by remaining in my weakness and embracing true humility. Your love comes full circle. 

Who am I?

     Not sure about this yet. Multiple times I have had people request that I start a book or a blog and I have resisted..... I am a nobody, everyone is just like me, why would anyone want to read what I think and about my life, yet God keeps knocking on my door. Just like the homeschooling situation, He put it on my heart for years before I had the courage. I guess now I have the courage.

     It was hard for me to come up with a title for this blog but there is great significance to what I chose. For years since the drowning of my fourth child, the blink of the eye theme has been in my life. It was at that moment that I realized that I was not defined by those things that I planned or spent years developing but rather those things that happened in a blink of an eye. Those events that could have been so different if just one thing was changed; the by chance meeting, an accident, the second I said 'yes' at the altar of God, the birth of children, the drowning of a child, it is these things that define me and mold me. Not the things I planned, the college studies, the career, the upcoming retirement, growing old.
      The skin of my teeth is a saying that I continually heard from my grandparents and my parents. It is the image I see as I face aggravations and trials. It is my state of mind as I face challenges and wait for the hand of my Lord to come to my aid.
     And then the last, the grace of God speaks for itself. He is what I live for and He has brought me through my bad choices, through the good choices, and through the random. It is His grace and peace that keeps me sane.  I put this last on purpose because He is my Omega. I didn't start my adult life with Him but I am going to end with Him! I know my life would have been easier if I was following Him from the beginning but that isn't what happened and I don't want to paint me or my life in a better light. I don't want you to read this and think, "wow, she has it all together." Then feel bad about your life and your decisions. I am on a path towards heaven, I fail in many ways, and sometimes I have to turn around and get back to the right spot making a different turn.

    My intentions for this blog are simply to document for myself where I am. I have found over the years that I am closest to God when I write in my journal. It helps me to process where I am and what I am struggling with at the moment. And when I think that I have made no progress, I go back and read my journals and realize that yes in some things I am still working but in other ways I am progressing.

     A little about me; I am a 49 year old mother of 7 children plus 5 in heaven. I was a protestant who converted to Catholicism. Now I am a Mass going, scapular wearing, handmaiden to Jesus and Mary,  homeschooling, veil wearing, dress wearing stay-at-home mom and grandmother (Mimi). I have 3 adult 'children', one who is married and soon to give birth to our third grandchild and first grandson. I am so proud of her and her family. My other adult child is in college and the next one is working in Colorado. The four I have at home range in age from 15 years old down to 6 years old. My 15 year old is my severely disabled daughter who became disabled due to a near drowning accident at 16 month old in a decorative fish pond. She was dead for 4 minutes to 7 minutes, the doctors know this by the degree of brain damage but no heart damage. That event will be an entire post someday but not today. My next child was technically my only 'mistake' in that I wasn't trying to get pregnant and we thought we were doing something to delay it due to the tragedy of the drowning. But God had other plans and His plans are what saved me and my family from the tragedy of that event. At the time I was shocked and angry but it was really the best thing in the world! This will also be a separate post. Then came the next two. I am continually blessed. There is so much more about my family that I will disclose but not right now. I don't want to make this too long and maybe leave some mystery to keep you reading.

     I pray you will stay with me and share this blogging journey. If you do, I pray that God will speak to your heart through my words as that is my goal. I want to bring to you my real relationship with the Lord, to help you see it is possible in the chaos and overpowering events of daily life. That God is there, Jesus forgives, and grace is given. My heart surrounds each of you who read this and I pray that Mary will cover you in her mantel.